Going Nowhere - a poem

Going Nowhere

    

I pop the lid and stare inside

the plastic jar holds more or less

enough for me to take this ride

my first, my last, a wax-winged flight

I've left a note, I  leave tonight. 

Michael Calvert

Non-Facebook Status Update

Okay folks, it's been awhile--thought I'd throw you a bone here! lol!  Well, life as a student has been interesting to say the least.  I completed a grueling six courses during the spring semester and told myself I'd never do that again!  Well, this fall I once again enrolled in (you guessed it) six courses.  That's a lot by the way--especially for an old guy!  Some good things have begun to happen though: I was published in a local magazine; here's the story link http://www.synergymag.ca/the-writer-in-me/   I also won the Barry Broadfoot Award for integrity in Creative Writing and Journalism.  It's an award given through VIU and had a $500.00 cheque attached to it. (And who can't use 500 bucks?)  I have many projects on the go and I still have not decided which avenue of writing I will end up pursuing.  No rush, I'm still young.
I have maintained a 'Dean's List' standing through my first two years with a GPA of 4.0 + (I hope this means I have a shot to make it as a writer when I get out!)  Not that there are many jobs out there for us writerly-types, but as agents of creativity, we like to dream there are. Who knows?  I may even venture into the realm of 'Master's Degree' if I'm up to it when I finish the next two years.

 I am beginning an internship in January with a local magazine, here is their website: http://canadianhotrods.com/   I haven't written anything for them yet, but hopefully that'll happen in the spring issue. 

The school newpaper, The Navigator, did a profile piece on me last week and it came out today.  I never got around to picking up a paper when I was at school today, but I'm anxious to see how it turned out when I go back Friday.  I am going to throw a couple of pieces on the Wattpad site, so if you haven't signed up to read my work there, then I suggest you do so. The link is on the upper left.  I will post a poem on my blog after this just because I  haven't put anything up in a while.
Hope all is well with every one of my dozen followers!  Haha!

Here we go again!

Well 2011 is upon us!  The Christmas holidays have flow past as quickly as ever and we now embark on a new year.  I personally gave up on resolutions many years ago, the combination of my lacking willpower and selective memory made them lost causes scant moments after they were uttered.  Saying that, however, I have decided (over the course of the last couple of months) that if I am going to proceed with my writing endeavour, I must put a good deal of focus on goals I wish to achieve.  To that point, I am going to try and hermit myself somewhat more than normal in order to spend more time hunched over my keyboard.  This will hopefully see more works produced in the coming year.  I have no intention of ever producing the eight or so pages a day someone like Stephen King reports to put out, but one page would be a great start for the first couple of years.  I am also going to submit some of my pieces for publication in the coming year, this also has been a plan for the last couple of months so again does not qualify as a New Year's resolution!  I will keep you all posted with the abundance of weary rejection letters I am sure to be flooded with! lol!  P.S. many of my stories will be posted on Wattpad.com (under MichaelJohnCalvert) all one word.  If you become a fan, you will recieve updates when I put new stories up.  I hope the coming year is great to you all, my friends!

Battle Rules For Men -- A “How Do I Look In These Jeans?” survival guide

    Battle Rules For Men

   A “How Do I Look In These Jeans?” survival guide

It seemed like such an innocent gesture at the time: my girlfriend asked me to come with her to help her pick out a new pair of jeans; little did I know then that this was a declaration of war and that many horrors awaited me.  If only I had known these simple rules of engagement below, the nightmares now caused by my case of shopping shell shock would be much less severe!  As a battle-scarred veteran of many changing-room battles (I call them battles but really they’re just one-sided beat downs!), I tell you newly enlisted men out there to plan your strategy well beforehand.  If you feel you need help with the crisis of helping your wife or girlfriend pick out a new pair of jeans, here in my “How Do I Look In These Jeans?” survival guide is all the information you will need to survive as many tours of duty as are forced upon you!  This guide provides life-saving techniques listed below such as avoidance awareness, proper dress code for the encounter, keeping mind and body focused, maintaining a form of radio silence, and keeping an emergency kit at the ready. 

Avoidance: the first step in winning this conflict is to avoid it altogether should you be asked to help your wife or girlfriend pick out a new pair of jeans.  Make up any excuse you like really; one stern lecture is a small price to pay for what could come next.  If bailing doesn’t work and you are pressed into service, be thankful that you will then have the knowledge you need from reading this guide.  Remember that these defensive manoeuvres must be well executed, and carried out with precise timing!  There can be no room for careless errors; you are fighting on the enemy’s ground; guerrilla tactics will be used against you, and prisoners of this war will surely end up spending their furloughs in the doghouse!  

Attire: good recruits dress properly for any sortie!  I suggest wearing thick clothing that will readily absorb punishing blows should the mission be deemed a failure.  Running shoes should also be worn in case you have to beat a hasty retreat from charging enemy forces.  One item that you can also try, although it didn’t work for me, is wearing glasses in the hopes of avoiding bodily harm.  Remember, though, this tactic only works if your foe prescribes and adheres to the rules of the Geneva Convention!

Focus: an experienced soldier knows what to (and not to) keep his eyes focused on: he never focuses on the price tag; he pretends there is no price tag.  Always make sure to maintain eye contact with your adversary; show her you are focused and attentive (although we all know you are probably thinking about last year’s Superbowl and what you are going to eat for dinner tonight) and never ever sneak a sideways glance at any of the other female patrons making use of the changing rooms: that is a total rookie manoeuvre that will end in your death throes upon the floor of some trendy up-town clothing store.

Radio silence: the number one rule in this type of combat is to carefully monitor all words that escape through your lips; sure you can think what you want, but, gentlemen, unless you enjoy the sound of incoming mortar fire in your face, please choose carefully your words in this delicate operation.  Always pause a moment to take an extra deep breath before commenting on anything once inside the confines of any mall or shop.  Once the action begins, make sure you have adjusted all verbal filters to maximum, turned your dusty pay-attention gauge to ON, and killed the ever-present jackass switch.  As well documented in my autobiography (and if you don’t want to end up in the infirmary as I did), then no words that have any kind of negative connotation at all should spout forth from your mouth.  The only exception to this rule, cadet, is if you start a statement with a positive remark, quickly slip in a mildly negative quip and then finish the statement with an extremely positive wrap up.  Here is an example of this exception: “Those jeans look very nice on you, dear; although not quite as nice as the last ones, which looked absolutely stunning on you!”  Now this example is about as harsh of a negative statement as you should consider if you care to make it to role-call the next morning; anything more critical may find you in critical…. condition that is.  I repeat, soldier, your radio communications skills are crucial in this exercise!  

Preparedness: carry an emergency kit for these skirmishes.  Some of the vital items that may save your sorry-ass life include a water bottle (expect this to be a long and gruelling campaign covering many battlefield scenarios); an ice pack, just in case you happen to “slip and fall, and hit your head on the back of your girl’s hand”; a white kerchief, not only to wipe the pressure-induced sweat from your brow, but to wave vigorously in the air should you feel the inability to continue (only use in this way if you feel the immediate need for medical attention!)  The final item is my personal secret weapon: a chocolate bar—her favourite of course!  Use this last item as a peace offering should you have forgotten any of the rules of engagement I have listed above.

I have been on the front lines of these jeans shopping campaigns for many years, and now as a recognized expert in the field, I felt it my duty (although I do receive royalties for it) to create this manual for my fellow man.  Do not get caught with your pants down, men, be prepared and memorize this guide!  One slip on any of these points will leave you a casualty of war faster than you can say, “Fire in the hole!”  Now for those of you men out there who have relationship difficulties in other areas, please be sure to check out my other self-help guides such as the “Did You Just Smile At That Woman?” survival guide, or maybe the popular “Where The Hell Have You Been All Night?” survival guide, and of course there is my best-selling “What The Bleep Happened To The Money In Our Bank Account?” survival guide.  All of these manuals, along with my autobiography titled “Single Again!” is available on-line or at any reputable bookstore in your area.  Good luck, gentlemen!              

Introductions

Well, this is it folks.  Starting my own blog is officially the second step in my hand-cramping, carpal-tunnelling journey to become a writer. (The first step being of course, going back to university to actually learn how to write.)  Many of you who know me have probably been wondering why the hell I have undertaken such a task at this point in my life.  Well, the reason is mainly twofold.  My business, which I have run for nearly 15 years now, and, although I have done well at it, has caused some damage to my lungs--making it unwise to continue for much longer in the field.  So, I thought I would go back to school and take up a nice responsible job, you know, work for the government or something.  But it didn't take me long, once I was in school, to fall in love with writing, I mean I really like writing, and I never even knew it!  So I changed my focus from fisheries officer to creative writer, they're pretty much the same thing, but now instead of counting fish, I'm counting words.  Us writers (lol) usually get paid by the word, so we try and count as many of those little devils as possible!  Anyway, I am currently attending Vancouver Island University, working when I can fit it in, and writing the rest of the time.  It is important for writer's to build up an internet following, so please invite anyone you know to follow me on my journey.  I will be posting many of my pieces on here as well as personal tidbits to keep you all interested.   Thank you for reading along.   Mike